Before I throw this diary down the refuse chute, I've decided to pick some entries of my happiest and saddest days, especially those focused on you. That's why most of the entries here are only talking about you. I hope this would turn as a reflection for us. I still want to fight and change for the better for you, but do you still feel the same? Will you even take your time to read them? Btw some of them the dates not very accurate as I don't write them base on days. Sometimes I write late (past 12am), as shown on first post. This is gonna be reallllllllllllly long, so take your time to read. Btw there's a play icon on the top left, Unlove You by Ashley Tisdale. It's a song that I want to dedicate to you, you can listen to it. :)

3rd July 2015, Friday

Had my GP presentation today, kind of sucked. Mr Amir said we did well, though I am 100% sure he's gonna give me D again. Had not much idea what I was doing. Well, at least I'm glad it's over. Didn't sleep at all so came home and slept my entire day away. I tried camping for 12am to wish Yu happy birthday just now (now alr 4th July), but aye, couldn't find my phone so I was 1 minute late. Guess I'd have to try harder next year? Haven't been wishing important people in my life on time this year. >_> That's so not like me. I will at least wish Shad at 11:58pm like he requested this year!! I will finally do it properly after 3 years, I hope.

Well, I wrote this entry down because I'm here wondering if I still have the chance to wish you happy birthday this year.

13th July 2015, Monday

Spent my whole day sleeping again, seriously need to go to work soon.. Have been rotting to much since the completion of my GP. All I'm doing everyday is just sleep, eat, mstar, anime. Boohoo. 2 more days till volcanic! Been saving so much birthstones, Cel was telling me off for wasting money on ugly volcanic but at least I like the exp and hours! Hm, nothing much happened today ba. Oh I was talking to Yu this morning and she said some crazy stuff again lmao. Sometimes really want to slap her but sometimes I do think she's nice to be around with ah? Today she told me she can't lock her phone screen anymore later watch porn cannot lock screen.. I was like thinking diao, then she said at most from now she watch me only?! Sibeh diao seriously... Then a while later she told me she only cares about me. -rolls eyes- She's so full of nonsense I don't think I can ever take her seriously.. Oh speaking of her I remembered about Fen uh. Hope she doesn't show that attitude I saw when I met her the first day to Yu...it was really horrible. Well, not saying I'm a good couple myself since I didn't do much for our ring also...but maybe what Qy said was true. Maybe for just a little, I do see Yu in that way? This is so confusing lol. Meh, time to sleep.

This is such a weird entry...but okay, I guess maybe I really haboured those feelings from the start.

2nd August 2015, Sunday

Roar mstar's been fucking up my comp so badly! Stupid game keeps closing and crashing my comp roar. Don't know if it's the reason why I couldn't audi today.. End up never play much of either audi and mstar also...cos keep crashing boohoo. Yu redownloaded mstar today, omg. I have people to mstar with liao yay! I seem to be friend deprived lmao, since everyday I just do my trades then go off.. Oh I befriended Matasandor just now wtf. I rmb Ivan telling me that Mata is the ultimate daoster..plus he is Porkie's couple so Ivan told me to stay away as he doesn't want me to be associated with Porkie, which I never knew why. But I guess I should not ba, plus from what I observe about her, I also don't really like her lol. Anw Mata told me he's now a different person, that's why he's okay to be my friend. Hmm I wonder. O_O Maybe he's same as Daffy, when no one else around then friendly? Just now Yu was telling me nonsense again... Semo still not too late to fall in love with her cos she's still single. Diao want to slap her leh. Sometimes I really feel that she seemed to have realised that maybe I am not as straight as she thinks? I am really confused with my own feelings and orientation seriously.. But I suppose I prefer girls afterall.. Oh ya just now she told me to choose between her and Mata. Obviously I would choose her right, since I only just befriended Mata! I decided to just tell her that I actually feel attached to her. Seems like she was somewhat happy? Sometimes I just wish I can understand her better lol.

I don't know what was I thinking here but seemed funny lmao.

5th August 2015, Wednesday

Spent my day playing mstar omg.. Yu was being ridiculously excited over the stars bikini...and then they released some new hearts, butterflies and handprints one zz. She labelled me as someone who likes boobs le wtf, though I actually won't deny but still, wtf. Then she started to admire my avatar's pigu...cos there's this new parasol furniture and when females AFK under it, can see the ass. She was sending me pictures of my avatar's ass?! Still can tell me she loved me the same with or without clothes, such urge to slap her lmao. We were pretty in sync today also.. keep reacting the exact same way when Pig, Pig II and Pig III appeared in constell LOL. That's was pretty funny.. Hmm, she was acting really weird today also..not quite sure what she's getting at but first she told me she wonder if she keeps saying it will it eventually happen? Something about one-sided love.. I totally can't understand lol. She said I really always on her mind and she never lie...sounds like her usual bullshit LOL. Fam outing tmr (or should I say later), kbbq!

WTF AM I WRITING HERE OMG.

8th August 2015, Saturday

I feel so lazy today, kept sleeping and doing nothing. Yu was asking me to consider being her couple again lol. I really don't know what to reply. I really don't want to couple an account that's not main. @@ I reflected about myself, I guess I'm just too obsessive haiz. Honestly, I was happy when she said she wouldn't mind me being obsessive...because I know guys all mind, somehow. I didn't have the courage to tell her this so I shall write this here but last year when I broke the ring, if she asked me to couple her, I already would. >_> This is so, confusing. I can't understand my feelings anymore. 

10th August 2015, Monday

O.M.G. I have no idea what to say or how to say this. Yu told me this morning that she likes me romantically? O_O I seriously have no idea how to react to this.. I only know I feel so nervous I want to hide in a hole. I couldn't even sleep properly..am I actually excited?! This is so confusing ahhhh. I admit I did think of her more than as a friend but this is so sudden, I can't take this. I need to sort out my feelings.

14th August 2015, Friday

So tired after working today.. Oh today I tried telling Yu my feelings.. It's not that I don't feel at all for her, I just can't put them into words. She kept telling me she is not expecting me to like her back or anything.. I think because she kept saying this it kind of makes me too complacent? I want to tell her honestly that I do actually have feelings for her but I never realised it's so difficult..

16th August 2015, Sunday

I told Yu today that I feel that she should play more with Fen. I was really upset when I went in to the room that day and felt the instant you-are-not-wanted-here aura. I have no idea what I did wrong but I guess I look like the 3rd party in everyone's eyes.. Izu was telling me off also, saying that I am openly flirting with Yu lol. I didn't mean to cause all these to happen..I just wanted to follow my heart. Why do I have to care about other people's views and feelings and neglect my own? I want to fight for what I want for myself, is that wrong? I seriously feel myself getting more attached, should I continue being this way? Or should I follow people's expectations?

18th August 2015, Tuesday

I admitted to Yu today that I do have feelings for her cos she has been indirectly asking me again and again these few days.. She told me she could tell that it's not one-sided and she never actually thought of me this way until I told her I feel attached to her.. This is really confusing ah but at least now I guess I am sure of my own feelings. She said she could tell because she knows I like her company.. I didn't realise I was so obvious but okay. >_>

22nd August 2015, Saturday

I know I was the one who made Yu go to Fen..but I really hate this feeling.. For a moment there I was really sad, and I wanted to keep her all to myself. I felt that I had nowhere to belong, I'm so lonely, so alone. Then at the later part of the day, Yu told me that she talked to Foggy, that she has to make a choice. She told me to give her time to tell Fen that she wants to break ring. Because what she desired was not to have a ring, but to make me happy. I was really happy, even though I didn't actually show it because there were some other depressing thoughts on this issue on my mind.

23rd August 2015, Sunday

I am really happy, because I can finally be with Yu without disruptions lol. Fen logged in Yu's account and changed her pmp title because she was angry? I don't know why she want to be so childish and say one thing but behave another way.. But it doesn't matter anymore, because I got what I want, and what I deserved. And that's all that matters to me now.

I was really happy to officially become your couple, even up till now..

1st September 2015, Tuesday

I started calling Yu 'baby' the past few days cos I'm starting to get used to everything.. She told me she'a really happy about it? Hahaha. She said she feels safe around me..hmm. And that if two people wants to be together, never consider the option of breaking up. Somehow when she told me that, I felt really safe and blessed? I think I am getting more accepting of myself and us already ba. That's something good I suppose? I told her about what I wrote sometime back, about back then if she did ask me to couple her, I would.. Sometimes I also don't understand what I want. I tried telling her that maybe for a long time I have been subconsciously in love with her, but I suddenly got so flustered I just want to cry of embarrassment. Anyway since I started calling her baby online, I shall refer to her as that in here starting today as well. :3

2nd September 2015, Wednesday

Went out with baby today hehe. ♥ Also met up with Xy and Shad along the way ah. Since Xy was nearby printing stuff.. We called Shad to join us then go dinner together, but Xy suddenly said she has to go home. We went to eat cocoichibanya and it was really hilarious! Me and Shad always order level 5 spice..so yeah nothing surprising. Baby doesn't eat spicy food so it was...really funny. Before we went into the restaurant she was asking if she could order the mild flavour and we laughed because below the word Mild it said (For Children). She was unsure if she could order it since she's not a child...so when it was her turn to place her order she was like pointing to the mild flavour and asking the waiter if she could order that level of spice. The waiter gave an awkward face but said yes anyway. Shad and I couldn't help it but burst into laughter at that hilarious sight. After we were done with our meal those two kept talking about stuff I couldn't understand!! They told me it's supposedly dirty but I seriously don't see why roar. They tried explaining to me, like semo lollipop de...I think I roughly know what they're trying to say le but am still rather confused as well. Oh and I was declaring there that I would never ever break ring or find a new couple ever again, and baby said that she would do the same. That really makes me happy! I really want that ring to last forever and ever. ♥ Anyway collected my Honoka figma today! And also caught two Cony dolls from prize station hehe.

Will you still keep that promise now? Because I know I will, always and forever.

5th September 2015, Saturday

Today went to OASIS and watched Inside Out with baby. :3 The movie was nice and funny! Well we didn't do much today but it was an enjoyable day ba. And I bought myself 2 new nendoroids today, feel so broke. T_T But still, I found Laura! :P

9th September 2015, Wednesday

School was tiring..Mr Lam was as usual very luo suo.. But I do enjoy his lectures. Just sadly, he even gave us homework today wtf. The only thing that makes me happy about today was that I managed to meet baby for dinner hehehe. Since she just started her new job, which is temporarily around Clementi area. We went to eat sushi express! Then went macs for dessert, honeydew McFlurry!! Baby seems to like the watermelon flavourburst a lot. It was just a short meet up but I was really happy to be with her even just for that few hours. :D

10th September 2015, Thursday

Mummy was hospitalised today..and I didn't go over because I already promised baby to go shopping with her for Foggy's present. I felt bad because I love Mummy too. >_> I will go over early tmr ba.. But yeah eitherway, went to star vista with baby just now. She bought a shit emoji cushion for Foggy, so hilarious hahaha. I was so attracted to this emoji keychain with the ♥_♥ expression.. The uncle was saying I'm like so happy to see the keychain LOL. Baby bought one for me in the end! It's seriously so cute! *_* It's voting day tmr. Will be meeting baby and cow to go practice for FOTY as well. Shall head to bed as it's late and it's a long day tmr.

12th September 2015, Saturday

Completely didn't write anything yesterday because I was so tired! Anyway Mummy was discharged today! So happy to see her home, even though I didn't actually see her since my parents are sleeping in their room already..except that I sneaked in to use their aircon remote. FOTY was damn crappy today, we didn't even try to do well LOL. After that Foggy met us up, and we went to eat dessert! Then watched Me, Earl, and the Dying Girl with baby. She didn't seem to be feeling well at first, must have overeaten! Somehow I felt this urge to hold her close, I have no idea why. ._.

21st September 2015, Monday

Baby has been so into PokeMMO recently.. Can't even spend much time with her lol. When I could finally audi with her, I kept DC-ing! Afterwards she just went to watch a movie then went off. Haiz.. School was tiring and boring as usual, it's the last day of school tmr!

23rd September 2015, Wednesday

Today I asked baby if she was okay with me not telling her my feelings, because of what I was talking about to Shad yesterday. She told me she is okay, but I really find it difficult to openly say out my feelings. She was playing dota the whole of today, which somehow made me feel empty.. Because recently all she does is play PokeMMO or dota.. I have to stop being obsessive, or else she'd come to detest me someday. I don't want that to happen. I tried telling her I might have obsessive disorder, but I couldn't tell her what I was obsessed about. She thought I was obsessed over Honoka...lmao what. I am not that crazy to be in love with an anime character, even though I idolise her but yeah. I really find it so hard to tell baby how much I really like her and that I'm starting to feel that I'm getting obsessed with her. This is so complicated that it is starting to feel suffocating..

27th September 2015, Sunday

My obsessiveness has really escalated too much. I went offline to cry because baby chose dota over me. She told me she's sorry that she abandoned me to play dota, and that if I don't want her to play dota so often I should just tell her. I felt bad.. It's not that I don't want her to play dota, but I just want her to spend some time with me.. Then the later half of the day, she tried to make up to me by asking me to play audi with her. I didn't like the idea of playing with Lynn because I can somehow tell from that time during FOTY that she doesn't truly care for baby, but I don't want baby to think that I'm controlling who she wants to befriends with..so I shall just observe for now. I felt a really strong urge to tell baby my feelings for her just now. But I just couldn't do it.. I have never realised how difficult it is to say those three words.. Anyway went out with the gay friends lmao. It was an enjoyable time and we ate a whole lot LOL.

11th October 2015, Sunday

Today was spent gossiping with Shad about Xy in the afternoon because we seriously can't tolerate her level of giving excuses and horrible time management anymore. Then went to celebrate Grandma's birthday. I was talking to Hx about his girlfriend, and school life because it's been a long time since we caught up on each other's lives. He seems to be doing well in sec school. He asked me if I have a boyfriend already, so I told him honestly I'm kind of in a relationship with a girl. He told me that he can accept homosexuality, so he won't disapprove my decision, but he hopes that I will someday find a guy to settle down with. I told that to baby, she seemed to dislike the idea lmao. I was just saying only ma, it's not like I want that to happen now. I sincerely want to be with her for as long as I can, even if it means my entire lifetime... But I just find it hard to convey these feelings to her. Someday, I will. :3 And I was telling baby I don't like it when she kiss people in audi...pfft. I really don't like it because I don't like to share!!! She then told me she only got her eyes on me, hehehe that made me happy a little. :P Bleah!

12th October 2015, Monday

Went out with baby after school today. Went to City Hall for sushi express and waffles! The sushi express there the chairs are different!!! Didn't get to walk around because it was late and shops were closing boohoo. And I don't know why nowadays when I'm alone with her I have this sudden urge to like be physically close to her? Like I want to give her a hug so bad lol what's wrong with me. >_> Shall rest early as it's a tiring day, and tmr gonna go out again roar. Money money..

16th October 2015, Friday

Working day today.. Saw a real life merman today!!! Like seriously, who sits with legs closed and laid out like that omfg. Nothing much happened today ba. Baby asked me if I love her today, I was so shocked so I said no, which I regret because that's not the truth!! I don't know what's wrong with me. My heart beats so fast whenever I try to tell her.. This is so difficult and I suck omg. >_>

17th October 2015, Saturday

I don't quite remember what happened today, because the only thing on my mind was that baby seemed angry at me. She told me she'd never be angry at me but she clearly was.. I was really sad, and scared, because I didn't know what to do.. I just wanted to play with her.. If she wanted to focus on her show she could let me know, and not 5 moves then leave me there to play alone.. I was really bored because she didn't reply me, I didn't expect her to just alt+f4 on me like that. She was okay after that but I'm scared that one day, something similar happens and everything will just end. I don't know what I will do if that is to happen, I don't think I would be able to take it if she just suddenly leave me without telling me. Just how deep have I fallen?

I guess what I was scared of back then really came true to reality..

19th October 2015, Monday

ROAR I'm really annoyed because of my crazy period. I was ranting like crazy to baby just now about this stupid irritating period. Well, I did feel better talking to her cos we were just talking about all sorts of nonsense, which kind of made me happy. I don't know why am I gonna write this but I found out today that baby doesn't like D too, lmao. I see..I see..? LOL. She told me she want me to hug her to sleep so I told her to imagine my hands stretching out from Jurong to Bedok to hug her. She told me to not tell her something so scary and creepy LOL. She asked me if I would hug her to sleep, so I tried my very best to tell her how I really feel, which I couldn't do it as usual. -_- So I just indirectly told her by asking if she wants me to xoxo her to sleep lmao. Then somehow we ended up talking about kissing. O_O Hmm it really makes me wonder how does kissing feel like, since I've never tried before.. Oh well. Haiz today is really a frustrating day, shall go emo on my bed.

20th October 2015, Tuesday

Skipped school today to go to library to do research. I ended up doing on anger management because I was so pissed and frustrated these few days cos of my period. Told baby I'm craving for a hug today, think she didn't take me seriously. :( I really want a hug so bad, maybe because this period is driving me nuts. I spent the rest of my day emo-ing and self-entertaining in mstar omg.. I bought the bed!!! The pose is damn hot I can't stop admiring my own avatar LOL. Okay really have to go to bed, it's so damn late, near 6am already..

I wrote this entry out because I think this was the point I started feeling needy..idk.

21st October 2015, Wednesday

I poured out my feelings to baby today, because I don't want her to feel insecure. I wanted to assure her that I really love her but it's damn difficult to say out that three stupid words. I have no idea how she can tell me she loves me so easily. I will try my best! :@ Lazy to write today cos I'm tired so bye.

24th October 2015, Saturday

Spent my day rotting at home again! Sleep sleep sleep. Just now played audi, then after baby went off Foggy and Shad were talking about her alcohol tolerance level...LOL. I really hope she has really quit drinking, cos it's bad! She told me just now she might not have the urge to drink anymore, cos she only drink to either celebrate or forget, on holidays like New Year's Eve.. She told me nowadays she's happy so she don't need alcohol anymore, because she has me. That was so...mushy but okay hehehe. :P I was really touched when she told me she wishes I would never have to leave her, cos if I do, she would be devastated. I asked her if she thinks I'm the type of person who would leave her.. I regret not telling her that I feel the same way, that if she ever leaves me I would be devastated too, but I guess I was just to embarrassed to say it out urgh. Why am I like this? I'm so useless roar.

This entry really makes me cry a lot, because I am now indeed devastated and helpless..sigh.

25th October 2015, Sunday

Another day of the weekend means another day of nuaing! Baby seems to have a fetish of mouth to mouth feeding ah.. Don't know how many times she mentioned it already LOL. Somehow it sounds exciting and worth a try LOL OMG WHAT AM I SAYING! Anyway she seems emo today, I wish I'm by her side to comfort her and give her a really tight hug. Sometimes I wish we don't have to be from different ends of sg..then I can see her more often. She told me just now she's honestly very happy to be with me, I couldn't say it out but in my thoughts I was thinking the same. I feel like I never want to let her go, but I'm just too shy to say it.. Maybe only when I become devastated then I'd have the courage to say it lmao. She said she feels better every time she thinks about me, that's really very sweet. Honestly speaking, I myself also feel happier whenever I think about her, because I know that I'm more important than anyone and anything to someone out there, and that makes me really happy.

This was so spot on, only when I became devastated then I could finally tell you how much I really really love you, but it's all to late now, I guess..

9th November 2015, Monday

Went out with baby today, to watch May Who? Somehow this diary kind of resembles main character's comic books ah? :X It was a good film though, I really enjoyed it. I was quite annoyed with baby ah, cos she knows she has to work yet she dota till 5am. :@ Told her off and she said her sec school friend and his friends asked her mah, what kinda of reasoning is this! After the movie she still dragged me to oasis cos she wanted to dota.. Then go home so late even though she has to work tmr despite being a public holiday.. Roar. Meh I'm tired as well, bedtime!

Who would have known, this was the start of my nightmare..

14th November 2015, Saturday

I'm sad, I don't know what to say. I didn't even felt like replying baby properly. How can she tell me the night before that she will audi with me today, then played game after game on steam and didn't even talk to me? I tried talking to her to hint her, yet she just seems to have forgotten. I went online early because she said will play with me in the afternoon. I don't usually online in the afternoon on weekends one.. I specially came online only to wait for one entire day for nothing..this is really saddening. When she asked me nowadays she never play audi with me, am I lonely, I was at a lost of words on what to reply, seriously.. Sometimes I wish I made her message me everyday at 12am, so that she won't forget about me..

From here, things started to change.. For instance the very next day, I wrote that we didn't talk at all for the entire day because you played dota the entire day, went off without telling me and didn't message me until I messaged you the next day cos I really missed you. And similar things started to occur more frequently..

18th November 2015, Wednesday

School was as usual today. I have nothing to write about today actually since nothing much happened, except baby messaged me and said she fucked up today. I asked her what happened and she ignored me. When I tried asking her again at night she didn't even bother replying me because she was playing dota. I really don't want to see her be like this, why can't she understand how much I care for her? Afterwards, she messaged me after she was done with dota. I was so excited I immediately put down whatever I was doing to focus my attention on her and guess what happened? She asked me when was my holidays, if I wanted to go AFA, and then what I was doing. I told her I was talking to Rene and Zefy in audi, she immediately asked me why was I talking to Zefy. I wasn't even talking to him anymore since he was very entertained by Rene. I tried explaining to her but all she said was I can go talk to him lo and ignored me. At that instance, I felt so doubted and not trusted, by the person who matters to me most..

19th November 2015, Thursday

I couldn't focus at all because of what happened, plus I'm still feeling sick.. I hardly talked to anyone in class today. I guess the girls could see that I didn't have any mood to talk since I didn't even listen to any of their conversations, nor did I eat anything. All I did was just stared into space blankly today. I couldn't care less about Mr Amir's classes anyway. Ivan came to look for me in audi when he realised I wasn't myself. He asked me where did baby go, then I told him roughly what happened. I told him that just on Monday, baby asked me if I was bored of her. He asked me why didn't I ask her back the same question, because he felt that she has been neglecting me a lot. I told him it's fine, I don't have to be her most important person anymore. However, I just want to feel like a priority.

20th November 2015, Friday

Bought a cross-stitch kit after school today. I'm planning to make that for baby's Christmas present. I wish she would stop ignoring me already.. I can't stop thinking about her everywhere I go, couldn't concentrate in class, nothing at all. I shall distract myself with doing the cross-stitch.. Too moodless to write.

21st November 2015, Saturday

I called Shad out today, because I wanted to start the cross-stitch kit and ask him his opinions about the situation. He told me everything would be fine, because he knows that baby and I truly care for each other. I felt a lot better spending a whole day outside, but I just couldn't stop thinking about baby. Yuuka asked me what was wrong with me, so I roughly told her what happened. She was really pissed off and told me I should break up with baby because I deserve better. I was really upset, because I know baby is better than what she is now, but I have no idea why is she being like this, neglecting me and all. I don't ever want to even think about leaving her, especially the fact that she once told me that if two people wants to be together, they should never ever consider breaking up. I want to live up to that. She also told me before that she wants someone who will fight for her, so I want to be that person just for her. I won't let myself be defeated over something like this, because she's more important than anything else to me.

29th November 2015, Sunday

Today managed to play audi with baby for almost the whole day after a long long time. O_O Been so long since something like that happened. It kind of makes me happy cos I have her to myself for almost the entire day! :P I don't need it everyday, but wish it can happen more often. Just my little wish. :3 ♥

1st December 2015, Tuesday

Baby said she fainted at work today... I tried telling her to stop being so addicted to dota and neglecting her sleep. She ended up being annoyed and ignored me.. I tell her off also for her own good ma, I don't want to see her deteriorate her body over gaming what.. Why can't she understand how much I care for her? She also wouldn't like it if I sleep less than 5 hours everyday just to play games right?

4th December 2015, Friday

Went out with baby to Vivo City today to look for Christmas gifts. She bought this set of giant poker cards...so heavy yet hilarious LOL. Somehow nowadays I start to enjoy going out with her more and more, maybe because I know I would have all her attention to myself. Don't know when I started to be so obsessive again.. Oh well, maybe I just like being with her that's all, shall not think too much. And I felt the desire to hold her close again wtf am I thinking seriously..?

6th December 2015, Sunday

Went to town to watch Point Break with baby today.. She was whining the whole time about her bag, saying that she bought me a heavy book for Christmas. I said she can give it to me in advance if she's lazy to carry it but she refused. Still tell me the book is semo 1001 ways to be rich.. Diao. I guessed that it's a colouring book but she said no.. What else can it be.. Since recently I did mention that I should buy one to kill time, I am positive that it's a colouring book!!! I was really happy today because I finally get to see the Christmas lights at night! Hehehe so long since I actually saw them, don't know how many years le. :X

12th December 2015, Saturday

Haiz, again I waited one whole day because baby told me she'd audi with me today.. At least today she didn't forget that she told me she would audi. However, she played dota the entire day from day time till near 4am. When she was done, she just left me a message on steam saying that she's tired so she's going to bed. I was really disappointed, because I really haven't been able to play audi with her at all. I just want to spend more time with her, why is it so hard?

13th December 2015, Sunday

Went out with Shad and Moses today, bought new shirts, and won a new alpaca!! So tired, but am happy! Been a while since I got the chance to talk to baby so much lmao. It's seriously rare to have an entire hour of her full attention these days, so I'm damn happy la omg. She damn nonsense today as usual! Just now she damn diao de..cos she said 'Baby night', she meant it as telling me goodnight la. But for a moment I thought she was saying tonight is a night for babies, I meant it in a way like for babies to party. Then she thought I wanted to make baby...and told me, procedure can but product don't have. I LOL-ED but seriously want to slap her ah!! So idiotic roar.

I wrote this because....it's funny lmao.

19th December 2015, Saturday

Asked baby to go eat Robata Robata with me today because I have this sudden urge for buffet, and I really want to see her and spend time with her. I'm really very happy today hahaha. Saw this funny dancing girl outside Lovisa today.. She was wearing Christmas deco and dancing outside the shop to attract customers lmao, such idea.. Baby told me she will audi with me tmr, but I guess I shouldn't anticipate too much.. I don't know why am I thinking this way.

20th December 2015, Sunday

What else can I say? It was just as a expected, she just forgot about what she told me, in person somemore. I had to tell her I want to audi, then she came online. But guess what? She went to Ker's room immediately and helped afk story for one freaking hour, making me wait one freaking hour, then tell me that she don't want play already she go watch show. Still can ask me if I wanted to viwawa. I lost it immediately, because I haven't played audi at all with her these two weeks and just want to play together for a while, yet all she could reply me was an 'Ok'? How disappointing..

22nd December 2015, Tuesday

Baby asked me if I was still angry today. I tried telling her how I really felt on Sunday. She did not even try to understand my feelings, and shunned me away by saying if being her couple makes me so upset, I don't have to be. She told me she didn't even want to audi in the first place and that she was going to uninstall. I felt my world shattering. I cried helplessly the entire night. I decided to cut myself, I did it again and again, more than 10 times. How am I even going to sleep tonight?

I've never expected myself to resort to self-harming until that very day. Because once when I told you I used to self-harm, you said you never want to see me harm myself ever again, but I was so hurt so I couldn't help it..

23rd December 2015, Wednesday

I didn't sleep the entire night because I just couldn't stop crying. And the first message I received in the morning was baby telling me I can have her account and if I want her asiasoft. I burst into tears immediately because I really didn't know what to do anymore. She said she thought I didn't want to see her anymore, that's definitely not true!! So I poured out all my feelings, she seemed okay afterwards. She told me she understands and promised that she won't leave me. I was really happy. :D I really can't stop this overflowing love, it's driving me crazy. x_x

I wish you really won't ever leave me.. Sigh.

27th December 2015, Sunday

Sunday means do nothing day! Baby is home from her clique's Christmas celebration, and we played audi yay. She was being idiotic as usual.. I was reminding her of the banana keychain I bought for her when I went out with Shad and Moses that time. I told her I will pass it to her when we go out on our belated Christmas date. She asked me why I give her banana, should give her a dildo... LOL felt like giving her a slap. Still talk about using a dildo...using common chat when there're people in the room wtf. That idiot hahaha.

4th January 2016, Monday

Was so annoyed with school today because no one told me anything about staying back to discuss on our debate assignment?! I already had plans then they last minute inform me.. Well, at least they were understanding and let me go off early. Baby came to pick me up afterwards, and we finally went on our belated Christmas date! Roar. Went to eat dimsum then dessert! Baby was so happy when I gave her the banana keychain..still tell me want to take selfie with it then send me diao! And she seemed rather shocked when she saw what I gave her for Christmas. I'm just happy that she likes it. :D She really bought me a colouring book as I expected, and the 'green poop' she was telling me was what I expected also.. LOL. Eitherway yeah, I had a really fun day hehe. I can really feel my love for her growing deeper and deeper. It's a good thing I guess. :P

9th January 2016, Saturday

Omg ytd was such a horror, didn't even get to write this diary. Missed my last train and had no bus and no money to take cab.. First time being stranded outside, roar.. I felt like I was burdening baby and her friends by causing them to have to stay out with me as well. I refused to go over to their houses because I'm like having my period and I suspected I already stained somewhere haiz. I did regret in the end though because staying out made me even more tired roar. I don't know is it because I'm on my period or what but I kept having to urge to be physically close to baby, even wanted to hug her tightly lol. I am so tired...still have fam outing tomorrow.

10th January 2016, Sunday

So tired today, kept wanting to lean on baby to sleep. @@ And somehow I kept feeling that she wants to show me affection physically but doesn't dare to. O_O In the past I guess I would not like it if she tries too much, but now it's different.. Somehow I actually desire being close to her physically, a lot a lot. She told me if she can't be with me, she would find a boyfriend. That's new to me!! For a moment there I thought to myself, no fucking way!!! Plus, I wouldn't want to give her to anyone else, hmph. Mine and only mine! She also indirectly told me that I'm her soulmate, and she only needs me to be with her. Hmm somehow I feel the same way.. But seriously my desire to hug her has becme so strong I might just do it the very next time I see her lol. >_> Meh.

Sadly, I can never have the chance to hug you anymore because that was the last time we ever saw each other..

14th January 2016, Thursday

Screwed up my exams today, I have completely no idea what on earth was I writing. Slept my entire day away afterwards. The amount of time baby takes to reply my messages is taking longer and longer, and she seems so busy with maple that she can't even give me decent replies. Sigh.. I just want some time with her that's all, why is it so difficult..

21st January 2016, Thursday

I told baby today about the crazy feelings that I have been having since 2 days ago.. She didn't seem to get what I was trying to say.. I myself still don't quite understand this feeling. I'm starting to think that I've lost my sanity. Why would anyone's heart just beats so fast when thinking abut the person they love? But that excitement didn't even last long..by evening my excitement drowned into sorrows as I felt neglected all over again. Is maple really so important? What happened to me being more important than anything else?

22nd January 2016, Friday

I can't keep up with this anymore.. Ever since baby started sleeping at such weird hours, we haven't been talking much, and she takes a whole day to reply my messages. I hardly even see her online, and when I do, she's busy playing maple. I just want a little bit of attention.. I just want to spend some time with her.. Why am I feeling so heavy-hearted? Have I started to feel lonely? I can't even explain this feeling. Just few days ago I was going crazy over her and now I'm so depressed. Have I fallen to the extent that everything she does affects my mood and my emotions? I kept on dreaming and dreaming about baby, it's so insane. Am I really needing her so bad? I live in a world whereby my dreams are better than the reality..

23rd January 2016, Saturday

I kept sleeping again today, and couldn't stop dreaming about baby still lol why... And baby told me today I cannot love anyone more than her.. What does she mean omg?! I only love her!!! I told her properly this time instead of beating around the bush like I usually would. Well, good for me. :X But sadly, she seems to be angry with me when I was unhappy with her choosing maple over me again. Sigh.. Why can't she understand how much I'm needing her. I want to see her so badly that it's tearing my soul apart. I gave her 100% of my attention, yet she was so busy focusing on skype and maple, instead of audi-ing with me properly.. When I pm-ed her she didn't even see what I said and just told me she's busy mapling.. Then why ask me to on audi? And I really wonder when was the last time she ever told me she loves me..

25th January 2016, Monday

I couldn't concentrate in class at all today, because I thought baby was really angry at me for sure.. I couldn't stop missing her, and I couldn't kill the desire of wanting to see her so badly. I was really happy because baby told me that I'm her girlfriend! Hehehehe. *_* I'm seriously damn happy I couldn't stop smiling omg I feel like a retard. :X Though I do feel that we're not exactly that official.. >_> I'm so happy I came home and gave 'green poop' a big big kiss LOL. I must be going crazy.. And hmm, I've decided that I'll confess to her in person on Valentine's Day. That's how things should be right? :P

30th January 2016, Saturday

I can't take this anymore.. I'm getting less and less replies, later and later replies. Is maple really that important that I can be neglected? I also found myself staring helplessly at the 'green poop' that baby gave to me for Christmas more and more.

Starting from this day I cried every night, even up till now I'm still crying....

31st January 2016, Sunday

Made pineapple tarts with Mummy today. Other than that, I have nothing much to say.. I'm tired of being neglected. Tired of trying so hard to gain baby's attention. Tired of putting in so much effort. Tired of feeling lonely. Have I became so insignificant? I can't help thinking that baby is losing her interest with me as the days goes by. That's so devastating, because I'm falling deeper and deeper each day.. It's been really long since she told me she loves me, is it because she has stopped loving me?

1st February 2016, Monday

Went to the hospital for my annual check up. Doctor said that my condition is better than before, how is that even possible? I secretly wished that it worsened, because I feel that I am starting to lose my meaning in life.. I feel that the distance between me and baby is widening.. Sigh.

2nd February 2016, Tuesday

I'm really sad right now. Why did baby get angry over such a trivial issue? Shouldn't it be me who should be angry? Since she promised me she would audi with me till 12am but she ended up choosing maple over me again.. I wasn't even angry, why is she the one angry? I'm really upset. I shall deactivate my social medias for one day becasue I don't want to talk to anyone. I should go reflect on my life.

My net died on the very night until Thursday btw lol.

4th February 2016, Thursday

Finally had my net up again after nearly 2 days omg. I came back online and reactivated my social medias, only to see what baby tweeted. It seems like she's so done with me.. What should I do? Went to listen to 4Minute's new hit song, Hate. It was really nice, I especially liked one of the lines that says "If I'm lonely when I'm with you, I'd rather be lonely alone."

5th February 2016, Friday

I saw what baby tweeted, I'm really upset. I couldn't help but cry more than ever. How can she say that she's happier this way? Am I really so unworthy that she's happier without me? Did she really lose her interest with me completely to say something so heartbreaking? I feel so lost and helpless.. I went to scroll through all our conversations, read through this entire diary, wept like no tomorrow. Only to realise that maybe...I wasn't worth. She's everything to me.. I can put down my pride, my ego for her. I'm willing to do anything just to make her happy, why doesn't she understand?

6th February 2016, Saturday

I kind of lost it when I realised I've been blocked on steam.. And I have completely lost all my emotions. I can't even show any expression, nor can I speak properly. I can't believe how much of a shock that tweet must have been to cause me to become like this. Am I losing my sanity?

7th February 2016, Sunday

It's really sad to see that baby can't play with me an entire night without going to maple, yet she can do that when it's her friends.. Is this a message that I'm worth less than her friends even? I see.. I guess I'm no longer the most important person, I'm just a piece of unwanted trash.. Liar... I went to cut myself, really deep scars this time.. I wish I could just die.

8th February 2016, Monday

I came online only to realise I've been blocked everywhere. This is so saddening.. I really wanted to apologise for making baby misunderstand that tweet. I didn't mean to tweet it to her, I just thought the lyrics was meaningful that's all. Why are all these happening? I don't want to live anymore.

14th February 2016, Sunday

Just came back from my trip, tried contacting baby because I have reflected so much.. I wanted to apolgise so bad. I wanted to tell her how much I miss her. But it looks like I am never ever getting the chance.. I was really angry when that ignorant Rene still can say something to suan me with regards to this issue, as if everything was my fault. I know I'm wrong but we're both wrong. That's why I'm trying to do something about this right? Yet instead of helping or comforting me all she did was suan me without knowing my side of the story. How can someone take sides without even knowing what exactly was going on? How sad it is to spend Valentine's Day heartbroken.. I really, really wanted to confess all my feelings today, and make our relationship official...but I guess it's never possible now..

15th February 2016, Monday

My heart is literally in pieces now. I can't believe what I just heard.. I was playing audi with Han just now and he told me that nowadays all baby talks about is maple and her sec sch friend, and that she doesn't talk about me anymore.. I see.. Maybe since some time back she has already lost interest in me.. Maybe it was obvious all along that she chose maple over me.. Maybe she has even found someone new.. That's why she could just leave me over something so trivial. Yet I'm here trying so hard, crying my tears dry. How foolish was I..? My heart is broken, so broken. I wish I could die right now...

16th February 2016, Tuesday

I have really lost all my emotions this time.. I still completed what I wanted to make for baby with the materials I bought from ytd though.. Even though I doubt I'll ever have the chance to give them to her.. Sigh.. I'm so lonely, so alone. I have no one to talk to, this is ultimately devastating..

17th February 2016, Wednesday

I've had enough. Baby deleted all my accounts off her buddy list. I'm pretty sure she blocked all of my accounts as well.. Then I politely asked for baby's address only to get ignored. If no one wants to help me then it's fine. I just wanted to leave the already prepared stuff at her doorstep, yet they didn't even want to help me. It's fine then. Shad told me I have became another person. It doesn't matter to me anymore. I don't even want to live anymore. I have lost all of my will to live. Who cares if I've become another person? I have nothing left, what's the point of being what everyone wants me to be? I can be whatever I want. I can choose what I want to do with my life, even to end it. I will end communications with everyone starting today, because I can no longer trust anyone. I'd rather be dead than to be living without baby, because living without her hurts more than having to die..

18th February 2016, Thursday

This is the last entry I'll write in this diary, then I'll throw it down the refuse chute after I've transferred what I want to onto my blog for baby to read. I have completely lost all my emotions. I can no longer smile, I no longer want to talk to anyone. I just want to stay locked in my room forever. I didn't study for today's exam, screwed it up so bad, and I didn't even care. Nothing matters to me anymore. Maybe like what Shad said yesterday, this relationship is ruining my life. Well that's good for me, because I don't deserve to live anyway. I shall continue to be screwed up to the extent that I no longer live. I am just going to let this depression worsen, then kill myself. I may be losing myself completely soon, it doesn't matter anymore. No one will see my misery because I have deactivated all my social medias and blocked off communications from everyone. I am all alone now, this is how my life was supposed to be. I didn't even deserve to live anyway, I was supposed to be born DEAD! Why did I even live nearly 22 years to waste so much resources? Whatever. Goodbye everyone, goodbye world. I shall await death. Because in an instance, I've lost my everything; My love, my trust, my hopes, my beliefs, my happiness, my smile, my emotions, my motivations, my sanity.

If you read up till here, good for you. This is basically most of my feelings and thoughts throughout our entire relationship. I'll throw this diary down the refuse chute once I publish this. How I wish memories can be erased like how we can throw a diary away.. While I let my sanity drive me to my grave, I will wish for you to stay happy. I really wish and am still wishing that you'd never have to go.. I will be better for you, if you'd just give me another chance.. This would probably be the last time I'd ever say this..because you probably wouldn't want me back..

 I love you, always.

 Farewell, my love.